Last night I had an “I quit” moment. And I meant it. I was done. I didn’t know how I could continue on like this. Laying in bed exhausted, wanting nothing more than sleep, and not getting it because I was in too much pain. The constant struggle, the uphill battle, the overwhelming frustration.
I cannot be more thankful to my boyfriend for simply being there with me. Reminding me that he is here and that I am strong and he knows I will not give up.
For reminding me that I am more than my pain.
That I can do this. Although it seems unmanageable at times, I know that I have made strides in the right direction.
I refused to move backwards and I refuse to let this define me.
It has been about a week since my pain decided to grace me with its presence. This week I am not eating any of my protein bars (contain peanuts) to see if that would help eliminate that as a possible for the pain returning.
I drive 80 plus miles a day for work, and in the car one of the easiest things to eat when you can’t stop is my protein bar. Plus, it is kind of indulgent of me because it is the closest thing I can have to a cookie tasting item. So I’ve been eating an average of 2 per day. I usually try to not let myself go over but sometimes I am working from 8 to 8 and do not have much time for a break. Excuses, excuses–I know.
Verdict: So far, I have not experienced much difference. My pain was extreme Friday as we discussed, and Saturday I had both those massages which I think ultimately helped. Sunday and Monday my pain was noticeable but not crippling. Tuesday it was a little more intense but I also had a few more stressful occurrences yesterday than normal between work and trying to get an oil change so that could be the culprit or it could be the fact it went from 70’s to 30’s overnight.
Today my pain is in full swing again, like last Friday. The best way to describe the pain is to imagine your bone trying to pull your muscle away from your skin while twisting and pulling your muscles downward. I guess a simpler image would be hundreds of knives penetrating the skin and making thousands of 1 inch slits, not to be dramatic or anything.
I will update if I have any new realizations.
I went to my second follow up with my ENT after my sinus surgery back in the summer. The surgery was to help correct my nasal passage flow because I was diagnosed with Chronic Sinusitis. He told me at my last visit that I would not start feeling complete relief until about this time, November. I had to give the surgery and new passage ways time to heal and my body acclimated with the new flow.
I told him that my sinus pressure was better than the last time I visited, it wasn’t completely gone because sometimes I got severe pressure. I figured that was from the weather changing. I also explained that about 2-4 every day for the last 3 weeks, I have become severely congested to the point I cannot breathe out of my nose. My doctor thought this was unusual and one thing came to mind about this same time frame. This is the same time frame when your body has a natural dip in cortisol (I believe that is what he said, correct me if I’m wrong). That is why everyone experiences a lull at around 3 p.m. in the afternoon. He suggested that I use a nasal spray with cortisol that will hopefully proactively avoid the congestion. I was using a nasal spray decongestant to help relief the congestion and then I’d be fine until 2-4 the next day. So I will try this nose spray for two weeks and report back to see if it helps.
I will update if I find out good or poor results with this. Here is to having less sinus pressure and headaches!
Just as you climb the mountain you have to plummet back down into the valley. That is the way I feel with my pain lately. You try so desperately to stay ahead of it but somehow it beats you back down. Positivity can be a friend and a curse you know? Unlike Emma I haven’t been on here much to explain my story with you and I’ll be honest the full story will come with time. It isn’t something I like reliving, I mean who does like to relive their pain? I’ve grown leaps and bounds over the last 2+ years. There were highs and lows and allegedly I am doing better by some standards. I’m told by my mother and sometimes doctors that it is better and can be worse but I’m not sure they know how it feels.
I do try to relish in the good days and beat the bad. That’s what I wanted to talk about today. I wanted to say what every chronic pain “victim” (as doctors would say)hears on a daily basis from outside unknowingly sources, YOU ARE ABOVE YOUR PAIN—PAIN CANNOT CONTROL YOU AND YOU’RE LIFE. As tired as I am to hear it and how often I do not fully believe it, I must say it is true. MY PAIN WILL NOT AND DOES NOT DEFINE ME. I refuse to let it, I will do everything in my power so it will not define who I am and how I live my life.
With that being said, these last couple of weeks maybe months have been troublesome. I feel like I am slipping back into the crippling pain that was every second of my existence. I’ve recently started boxing and kickboxing classes, and some that know me ask “How can you do that? Doesn’t it hurt you?” I try to not roll my eyes in annoyance of their questions and give them a cookie cutter response because they don’t know how it is do deal with auto immune diseases, chronic pain or anything of the sort. Yes, everyone has their own struggles that are terrible for them but by no means judge what I do. Because I refuse to waste years of my life sitting on the couch wishing the pain would go away when I could have been a factor in that equation. Again, this is my intro mild rant and a reconciled thought for me to talk with me this week while my legs tinge with pain.
I will be more than happy to share my story and journey as time unfolds. But I will if you’re reading blogs to help deal with pain or whatever reason you find to read this today, just know that it is a waste if time to read about it and not apply it. My life is now led by more eastern medicine means and theory. Come with an open mind and you can change. You won’t believe it everyday but you need to believe in it a least 60 percent of the time. You can build from there.