I cannot

I do not know how much longer I can deal with this. I have tried everything I can think of physically, mentally, and spiritually to cope with what is happening with me and my chronic pain. And I cannot. I simply cannot.

I think it is the headache that is starting to break me down. This headache that I have had for over two years. That rears its ugly head every so often to let me know it means business. This pain that will not go away no matter what I do.

I am struggling. And my suffering may just be too much to bear.

 

 

 

<Emma>

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Hiatus

SO, my friends, it has been awhile.

I have been having some ups and downs lately. Not sleeping. It is effecting my mood and my overall desire to do anything. I just feel like I am drifting away. I am just floating in free space.

I get discouraged because I don’t see improvement in my condition. No one knows why I am in so much pain. I am simply treating symptoms without being able to touch the cause. My life is a series of bandaids on a wound requiring stitches.

 

Where do I go from here?

 

<Emma>

I have been suffering

He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.

Aeschylus

I believe all things happen for a reason. I believe all things happen for a reason. I believe all things happen for a reason.

<Emma>

Sick and Tired

I am sick and tired, sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. It’s generally not ideal to feel like walking death in some unbearable form or fashion. Remaining positive proves difficult when you just keep getting knocked down by the mega punch of bad health every 5 minutes. This crap is ridiculous. “Just hang in there” they say, “things will get better” they say, “you’ll catch a break soon” they say! Well excuse me for being ungrateful and impatient but I think a plethora of years is long enough to wait to feel “normal” for 24 mother f’ing hours. How am I supposed to remain positive when every small accomplishment (which I try to revel in) is met by a greater set back that crushes my spirits like a young child finding out Santa isn’t real. No one wants to be told that what they thought was good doesn’t really exist.

I am sick and tired of being too sick and too tired to keep plans and always having to be the one that cancels or changes or sucks it up for the good of the team. I am sick and tired of people saying to me “I just wish the doctors could figure out what’s wrong with you.” DOCTORS DON’T KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME and they are half the reason I feel so shitty now anyways. They throw medicine at all my symptoms hoping to make it stop when in fact they are now causing permanent new symptoms. And I’m sick and tired of everyone’s pretentious pity parties for me feeling ill and incurable and not wanting to hid it for the day. I am OVER IT, simply over it. Done, put a fork in me, I’m threw.

 

–Natalie–

Find your inspiration

“Toughness has nothing to do with it. This is physical agony, not weakness of character.”
– Jeanna Safer, Ph.D. in “The Will of the Weed” an article from Psychology Today magazine

It took a while for me to digest this quote. It struck me on a very deep, personal level. I have been battling this pain for so long, and for so long I have felt like I should be able to deal with this, I should not let this hurt me so much. When this whole time it has been a physical ailment, not some flaw in me. I have fought so hard to conceal how much pain I am truly in every single day because I think that people will see me as weak if I don’t. I think they will look at me over time and start to say “She is faking it. Her pain isn’t real. She just wants attention.” So I forge on and I say I am okay when I am not. That I can go on when I feel I can’t. That I can handle it when I know I will pay the price for it later.

I pretend it doesn’t hurt in order to maintain relationships. No one wants to spend their time with someone who is in constant agony and consistently has to stop things short in order to maintain the delicate balance of “it doesn’t hurt that bad.”

I pretend because if other people look at me and think I am not in any pain that means it cannot hurt that bad, right?

I pretend because I want to feel normal. Because I don’t want to see the pained face of pity looking back at me anymore.

And I pretend because no one understands. I have felt alone in this journey so many times. I have felt betrayed and abandoned by those I hold dear.

But this quote has given me something that often escapes me, hope. Hope that one day I will be better. That my physical body will find a way to heal itself. And it fortifies the idea that I do not possess a weakness of character, but perhaps even a greatness of character. That this is not the cause or result of some flaw in me. That I am beautiful and I am brave. That I look this pain in the face every day and I say “Give me your best shot. I will not quit.” I do not win this fight every day, but I fight it. There are days when I am down in the dumps and days when I soar. This journey has changed so many things about me. And although I am still in (too much) pain, I think I have been changed for the better.

 

weak v. strong

<Emma>

Juicetastic

...of juicing, cleansing, and living!

3 days of juicing, cleansing, and living!

22 fabulous juices to LOVE.

22 fabulous juices to LOVE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I started doing 3 day juice cleanses in July 2013, and I just completed my 5th 3 day juice cleanse this past weekend. Let me tell you, I’m hooked! I bet you want to know why or maybe you are sitting there thinking you already know why–and no dramatic weight loss is not the reason I do it.

So let me tell you why I’m hooked. I’m hooked because when I juice I feel less pain and I feel alive and healthy. I’m giving my body a rest from breaking down and digesting food. I’m taking it back to the wholesome goodness of fruits and vegetables in their purest and RAWest form.

Over the last 8 months, I’ve been learning more about juices and what all these simple juice blends can do for me. Now, I am not knowledgable enough to do my own juicing because there is a different in juicing at home and using a cold pressed juicer. **Chart credit goes to my local juicery**

Cold pressure juicer vs. home juicer

Cold pressure juicer vs. home juicer

One of the best parts of the cold press juicer is NO pulp! It doesn’t hurt that there is no added sugar, water, or any other additives. It is purely fruits and vegetables at their finest.

((I do want to state that I am not an expert on cold press juices, and I am NOT a personal trainer, nutritionist, or licensed in anything fitness or health related…this blog is a place for me to share MY JOURNEY and what I learn along the way. If it happens to help someone, that’s even better.))

In the 3 day cleanse, you drink 6 juices a day for 3 days. You are supposed to drink them every 2 or 3 hours with an 8 oz. glass of water between each juice. If you get hungry and have to have some food RAW fruits, veggies, or nuts are acceptable to consume. After the cleanse it is recommended to ease RAW whole foods back into your diet. When I decided to juice, I decided I was going to help save my body from that hungry feeling that is inevitable when you are “drinking your food.” So I decided I was going to eat fruits and vegetables the 3 days before my juice cleanse and I would also do it for the 3 days after to ease back into whole food. I thought this would help shrink my stomach and allow for an easy transition, and this has worked perfectly for me. It might not be for everyone, find what is best for your body. Now I won’t say that I have never been hungry, but about the time that my stomach growls it is time for me to have another juice. So it works out nicely.

I’m sure you will want to do your own juice research and explore all the options you have if you are considering juicing. I do want to make sure that you find a legit juicery with nutritional value and integrity. A cleanse should not be all fruit blends. Green leafy vegetables are needed in juice cleanses as a source of protein and balance for the cleanse to truly help. Simple ingredients are key, remember that.

I would also like to share with you some of the blends that I had in this last cleanse kit. All of them I enjoy and feel great after drinking them. Like I said earlier, I’m not a nutritionist and I don’t know what all the different types of blends can help with medically such as lower inflammation, detox, etc. I do know that ginger helps with lowering inflammation and so do most blends with leafy greens. If you are like me, the more you learn the more fascinated you will become and you will want to share your journey too!

Blends:

1) apple, carrot, ginger

2) spinach, celery, green apply, lime

3) kale, pear, spinach, cucumber

4) pear, ginger

5) cucumber, spinach, green apple, parsley

6) green apple, cucumber, lemon

Bonus juices I had from another local juice place (not part of my kit just added goodness):

1) pineapple, orange, green apple, lemon, lime

2) carrot, sweet potato, orange, green apple

Just to name a few of the ones I enjoy….when you find your favorite blends and feel free to share them with me!

Before I sign off for the night, I do want to point out one of the more popular reasons people might initially consider juicing…weight loss. I cannot say that juicing the last 8 months has not helped me with weight loss, because I did lose weight. I have lost a total of 15 pounds in the last 8 months I have been doing the juice cleanse. I did not start juicing for weight loss, it was just a pleasant perk of the experience. The first time I did the whole 9 days of my individualized program/cleanse I lost 7 pounds. I kept it off. Then over the next few months I lost the additional 8. I did fluctuate a little but never a pound or two out of initial weight after a cleanse. I eat clean, which helps my body not have a dramatic response while juicing. If I don’t loose weight, it is not a big deal for me because I eat clean regardless and I really do it for the healthy feeling and less pain. I can’t emphasize that last part enough!

So please consider all options and do you research before you go on your own journey, but I hope you enjoyed mine. I hope you learned something new and that I inspired you in some way.

Happy and healthy living everyone!

 

–Natalie–