I cannot

I do not know how much longer I can deal with this. I have tried everything I can think of physically, mentally, and spiritually to cope with what is happening with me and my chronic pain. And I cannot. I simply cannot.

I think it is the headache that is starting to break me down. This headache that I have had for over two years. That rears its ugly head every so often to let me know it means business. This pain that will not go away no matter what I do.

I am struggling. And my suffering may just be too much to bear.

 

 

 

<Emma>

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Hiatus

SO, my friends, it has been awhile.

I have been having some ups and downs lately. Not sleeping. It is effecting my mood and my overall desire to do anything. I just feel like I am drifting away. I am just floating in free space.

I get discouraged because I don’t see improvement in my condition. No one knows why I am in so much pain. I am simply treating symptoms without being able to touch the cause. My life is a series of bandaids on a wound requiring stitches.

 

Where do I go from here?

 

<Emma>

I have been suffering

He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.

Aeschylus

I believe all things happen for a reason. I believe all things happen for a reason. I believe all things happen for a reason.

<Emma>

Getting Somewhere

Ladies and Gentlemen, your attention please, I have an announcement.

I saw a new acupuncturist who may have an explanation for why I am not seeing any improvement. Acupuncturist 2 thinks I may be blood deficient. Basically, what this means is that I am not producing a high enough volume of blood. You may be thinking, “COOL. What does that really mean?!” (I know I was) Acupuncturist 2 said that because the volume of blood in my system is low it is not able to effectively circulate through and nourish my muscle and bone tissues. Therefore, they cannot make any forward progress in the healing process.

How did Acupuncturist 2 render this diagnosis? The symptoms I am showing that support the blood deficient diagnosis include trouble sleeping (both falling asleep and staying asleep), dry skin, and hair loss. Let me clarify this hair loss symptom—my hair falls out easily and often, I am by no means goes bald, though every day I am amazed by my think head of hair and the hair all over the bathroom. I am pretty sure I could be producing one wig per week with the hair that naturally falls out.

ANYHOW. I am working towards increasing my blood volume. To do this I am adding certain foods to my diet, in addition I am cutting out some foods that may be causing some other symptoms—like an overall heavy/down feeling. In the link above that contains some more information on blood deficiency it lists some foods that can boost your blood volume. Acupuncturist 2 also recommended some supplements that I am going to give a try.

I have a follow-up appointment in a few weeks to see if this helps, wish me luck!!

[Emma]

Restless life

The constant struggle with chronic pain is in no way aided by evasive or interrupted sleep.

I feel like I haven’t slept in days, and to some extent that is true. I honestly cannot remember my last full night of sleep. I am writing this after two very “walking dead” sort of days, yet I am still unable to sleep. I am trying several herbal remedies to rectify this situation in addition to attempting to regulate my sleep schedule. Nothing is more frustrating than doing everything the doctors tell you to do without seeing the desired result.

I posted a little while ago about submitting a request for a regular schedule and I was granted this effective yesterday. My employers joyfully came to my new desk yesterday morning to ask “Do you feel as though a burden has been lifted?” There was some confusion on my boss’ face as I attempted to stifle my laugh. All I could think was “I have been on this new schedule for literally 2 hours.” And just as my boss assumed this would be my miracle cure, I was hoping for some more immediate relief.

I sometimes struggle to understand thedynamic of my pain-how all the pieces fit together to create this beast. As Natalie stated, you cannot let this pain define you. On some level, I refuse to accept this pain as part of me, even though I know I need to in order to move on. I am working on an acceptance and commitment therapy which (surprise, surprise) relies heavily on your ability to accept your life with pain and learn to manage it effectively.

It is times like these, when I lie awake at night, that I really struggle with this concept.