I cannot

I do not know how much longer I can deal with this. I have tried everything I can think of physically, mentally, and spiritually to cope with what is happening with me and my chronic pain. And I cannot. I simply cannot.

I think it is the headache that is starting to break me down. This headache that I have had for over two years. That rears its ugly head every so often to let me know it means business. This pain that will not go away no matter what I do.

I am struggling. And my suffering may just be too much to bear.

 

 

 

<Emma>

I have been suffering

He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.

Aeschylus

I believe all things happen for a reason. I believe all things happen for a reason. I believe all things happen for a reason.

<Emma>

GUILTY!

I had a long talk with psychologist today. I think we covered some good topics. I have homework for next week.

We are going to get into some emotions. The trend we have identified seems to rest in the “guilt” column. I am supposed to think about what emotions I am having that fit in that column and we are going to discuss it at our next session. 

Honestly, I didn’t realize I was spending so much time feeling guilty. 

I have to leave work for an appointment? Guilty.

I don’t feel like doing the dishes right now? Guilty.

I am in pain and don’t feel like going out with friends? Guilty.

I don’t know how to not feel this way. I supposed that’s why psychologist and I will be working on it. 

 

<Emma>

 

I quit

Last night I had an “I quit” moment. And I meant it. I was done. I didn’t know how I could continue on like this. Laying in bed exhausted, wanting nothing more than sleep, and not getting it because I was in too much pain. The constant struggle, the uphill battle, the overwhelming frustration.

 

I cannot be more thankful to my boyfriend for simply being there with me. Reminding me that he is here and that I am strong and he knows I will not give up.

For reminding me that I am more than my pain.

That I can do this. Although it seems unmanageable at times, I know that I have made strides in the right direction.

I refused to move backwards and I refuse to let this define me. 

 

<Emma>