Pain Strength


I have been suffering

He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.


I believe all things happen for a reason. I believe all things happen for a reason. I believe all things happen for a reason.


Sick and Tired

I am sick and tired, sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. It’s generally not ideal to feel like walking death in some unbearable form or fashion. Remaining positive proves difficult when you just keep getting knocked down by the mega punch of bad health every 5 minutes. This crap is ridiculous. “Just hang in there” they say, “things will get better” they say, “you’ll catch a break soon” they say! Well excuse me for being ungrateful and impatient but I think a plethora of years is long enough to wait to feel “normal” for 24 mother f’ing hours. How am I supposed to remain positive when every small accomplishment (which I try to revel in) is met by a greater set back that crushes my spirits like a young child finding out Santa isn’t real. No one wants to be told that what they thought was good doesn’t really exist.

I am sick and tired of being too sick and too tired to keep plans and always having to be the one that cancels or changes or sucks it up for the good of the team. I am sick and tired of people saying to me “I just wish the doctors could figure out what’s wrong with you.” DOCTORS DON’T KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME and they are half the reason I feel so shitty now anyways. They throw medicine at all my symptoms hoping to make it stop when in fact they are now causing permanent new symptoms. And I’m sick and tired of everyone’s pretentious pity parties for me feeling ill and incurable and not wanting to hid it for the day. I am OVER IT, simply over it. Done, put a fork in me, I’m threw.



The Little Engine That Could

I think acupuncture is helping, slowly but surely it is helping me. This week was better than last week. Last week had a multitude of issues as you gathered from my last post. Now I’m still not sure what caused the extremity of my ailment last week but this week was less of a roller coaster. Don’t get me wrong, I still felt like the warm side of the pillow of death but we will take the small victories as we get them, right? Right!

My acupuncturist added some extra needles to help alleviate my headache and shoulder pain but he mainly focused on my stomach. He usually puts four needles in my stomach along with a warm lamp that is over my stomach. The needles make a diamond and the one closest to my rib cage is probably the most sensitive area. He took a lighter to some herb or incense thing, blew it out, and then placed it around the needle closest to my rib cage. It was made to perfectly fit around the needle, but it didn’t burn my skin. I’m not sure what it was but I found that after my session it was less sensitive in that area. He thinks that something is stuck in there and he suggested that I eat warm or hot foods rather than cold or raw foods and cutting my sugar and salt intake. I already don’t consume processed sugars and I have been limiting my natural sugars for some time now, but I decided to focus on eating warm foods and limiting salt. I have kind of seen a difference in digestion but this week has had its ups and downs. Wednesday was not a good health day. I was experiencing excruciating pain in my hands, knees, shoulders, and an awful pain in my neck–as usual these days.

Today, today was better. I did have several periods where I felt less like a zombie and slightly more human. I am currently in some pain right now via the area where my acupuncturist put the burning herb, but I’m hoping that will pass. I think it is interesting that he thinks something is stuck there because maybe that is what is causing this new flare up. I also forgot to mention that I researched some and cross referenced with my mom (who also suffers from one health issue after another) that eating warm foods helps the spleen. So I’m going to try to look up some essential oils and herbs that will help with spleens and digestion.

As much as I want to lose faith, and give up I force myself to keep going. I have a some great friends that really do help me through these tough times but a lot of them don’t understand the struggle because they’ve never experienced anything like it. But I have to remain hopeful that these herbs and natural ways can still prevail over western medicine. I believe firmly that the body is a powerful piece of machinery that can do amazing things if given the right tools.

In an effort to end now before I really start to ramble, I want to close saying that I will post more information on my herbs and the oils. Stay positive and be well.