I cannot

I do not know how much longer I can deal with this. I have tried everything I can think of physically, mentally, and spiritually to cope with what is happening with me and my chronic pain. And I cannot. I simply cannot.

I think it is the headache that is starting to break me down. This headache that I have had for over two years. That rears its ugly head every so often to let me know it means business. This pain that will not go away no matter what I do.

I am struggling. And my suffering may just be too much to bear.






“Chronic Problems”

I got a report back from the doctor with the results of a recent test I had. On the front page it listed all of my “chronic problems.” Talk about a slap in the face.

  1. Ovarian cyst
  2. Metrorrhagia
  3. Dysmenorrhea
  4. Headache syndromes
  5. Somatic dysfunction of sacroiliac region
  6. Pain disorder associated with psychological factors and general medical condition
  7. Temporomandibular joint-pain dysfunction syndrome
  8. Shoulder joint pain
  9. Upper back pain
  10. Chronic pain
  11. Neck pain
  12. Cervical spondylosis
  13. Occipital neuralgia
  14. Decreased concentrating ability
  15. Myofascial pain syndrome
  16. Numbness of hands
  17. Conditions influencing health status
  18. History of concussion
  19. Vitamin B1 deficiency
  20. Insomnia
  21. Memory lapses or loss
  22. Post-traumatic headache
  23. Postconcussion syndrome
  24. Myalgia and myositis
  25. Somatic dysfunction of cervical region
  26. Sleep disturbances
  27. Psoriasis
  28. Other physical therapy
  29. Nonallopathic lesions of the occipitocervical region
  30. Nonallopathic lesions of the rib cage
  31. Cervicalgia
  32. Hypermetropia
  33. Foot pain
  34. Plantar fasciitis
  35. Pes equinus
  36. Sinusitis

Thirty-six conditions deemed chronic by my doctors. Thirty-six. I would never have guessed a number this high. It is interesting to see it on paper. Just a list going down the entire page.

I am not sure how I really feel about it just yet. I think shock is the best way I can describe it right now.

Below I have described some of the conditions.


irregular uterine bleeding especially between menstrual periods

painful menstruation

Somatic dysfunction: impaired or altered functions of related components of the somatic (body framework) system. It can include the musculoskeletal, nervous, or lymphatic systems. Physicians use this term commonly in association with soft tissue injuries like strains and strains, but they do differ significantly. Somatic dysfunction occurs from a mechanical restriction first followed by an increase in muscle tone or spasm whereas a sprain or strain would first begin with an injury followed by a mechanical restriction. Somatic dysfunction is a functional impairment

The sacroiliac joint is in the low back where the spine meets the pelvis. Sacroiliac joint pain is discomfort in this area. This pain is a symptom that may come from a number of conditions or diseases.

The temporomandibular joint (TMJ) is the hinge joint that connects the lower jaw (mandible) to the temporal bone of the skull, which is immediately in front of the ear on each side of your head.

Cervical spondylosis is a disorder in which there is abnormal wear on the cartilage and bones of the neck

Occipital neuralgia is a neurological condition in which the occipital nerves — the nerves that run from the top of the spinal cord at the base of the neck up through the scalp — are inflamed or injured. Occipital neuralgia can be confused with a migraine, or other types of headache, because the symptoms can be similar. But occipital neuralgia is a distinct disorder that requires an accurate diagnosis to be treated properly.

Myofascial pain syndrome is a chronic pain disorder. In myofascial pain syndrome, pressure on sensitive points in your muscles (trigger points) causes pain in seemingly unrelated parts of your body

Myalgia means “muscle pain” and is a symptom of many diseases and disorders.

Myositis refers to any condition causing inflammation in muscles. Weakness, swelling, and pain are the most common myositis symptoms.

There is no exact medical definition of nonallopathic lesions. A lesion is typically defined as a sore or bruise on the skin or under its surface. The term nonallopathic is found all over the Internet, but has no dominant meaning. At best, a cloudy definition may be found, but should not be relied upon as the actual definition of nonallopathic lesions or the term nonallopathic unto itself. It does not appear in any major medical dictionaries or publications, thus the reason no exact definition can be found.
Above it the best I could find in my brief internet search….comforting, isn’t it?

Cervicalgia is neck pain that occurs toward the rear or the side of the cervical vertebrae. It generally is felt as discomfort or a sharp pain in the upper back, neck or shoulders.

Equinus is a condition in which the upward bending motion of the ankle joint is limited. Someone with equinus lacks the flexibility to bring the top of the foot toward the front of the leg.

Sinusitis is an inflammation, or swelling, of the tissue lining the sinuses.

Emma’s Story

The date was July 2012, the activity was mountain biking, and my experience level was zero.

I am active and athletic, so I rise to this challenge, besides, we are in a group and I can’t be the worst mountain biker, can I? WRONG.

Our adventure starts at a small path opening that we have the carry the bikes through. Once we saddle up there is a small downhill dip followed by a small uphill, taken easily with the momentum gained from the downhill. Then I see it. The very steep, very long downhill immediately following the small uphill. I am flying down this hill. I continue to gain momentum and I tell myself this hill is way to experienced for someone who, first of all, has never been mountain biking, and second of all, has not ridden a bike in over 3 years. As I tell myself this I make every attempt to slowly decrease speed so I can stop and walk my bike down this hill. As you may have guessed by now, this was a completely ineffective effort. I am able to slow myself a tiny bit, but next thing I know I am flying over the handle bars and trying not to hit a tree. I am semi-successful in the second part. As I am flying through the air, I twist to avoid hitting the tree full on and end up landing on my left neck and shoulder at the base of the tree while other parts of me slam into the tree and the ground. I am cut up and bleeding and feel like some one just tried to pull my head off my body and like I was just punched in the face. My world is spinning. No one was around to witness my fall (a small plus?) but soon two of my companions are at my side. I am bleeding and bruised but do I let that stop me? No. I get back on the bike and continue the path for about an hour and a half. After the group suggests another long trail I opt to sit out. I wait for the group back at the cars and re-assess my injuries. My left leg has 3 or 4 scrapes and is scabbed over and bruised. My left wrist has a nasty rug burn looking scrape on it and is still bleeding a little. My right leg also suffered some minor cuts and bruising. My head is throbbing and my neck is stiff and sore. Not really a long list of severe injuries. “Shake it off, this is no big deal. Put some ice on it tonight and you will feel fine in a few days.” I tell myself.

I don’t go to the doctor until three weeks later when I am sitting in my office with a migraine and neck pain that is making me feel like I am going to vomit. This is the first step that leads me down, frustrating a journey of doctors and tests.