Emotions + Pain

The human mind,  inherently impatient, triggers emotional reactions when our ideas about how things should be collide with how things are.  (Source)

Through the mind, we create a prison of suffering and then forget that we are the architect and that we ourselves hold the key that will set us free. (Source)

suffering

Because depression in patients with chronic pain frequently goes undiagnosed, it often goes untreated. Pain symptoms and complaints take center stage on most doctor visits. The result is depression — along with sleep disturbances, loss of appetite, lack of energy, and decreased physical activity, which may make pain much worse.

Some of the overlap between depression and chronic pain can be explained by biology. Depression and chronic pain share some of the same neurotransmitters — brain chemicals that act as messengers traveling between nerves. Depression and chronic pain also share some of the same nerve pathways.

Chronic pain and depression can affect a person’s entire life. 

(Source)

Chronic pain and depression are my entire life.

In the past 10 days I have had to see two different psychological experts to have my “condition” evaluated. Not only has this caused to me undergo undue (and very unwanted) emotional stress, but has also made me increasingly frustrated. What could these two strangers assess about me in one hour visits that the person I have been seeing for a year could not? What purpose did it serve forcing me to go to these evaluations?

Have we forgotten what the term “patient care” means? Not to mention that we are dealing with someones most intimate and most sensitive pain.

I am emotionally drained and exhausted.

I have no motivation.

I am in pain.

Emotional and physical.

<Emma>

2/7 = 28.5% of the week

Bad Days

 

I spoke about physical, medical and emotional pain in the first blog. It is the physical that builds and the emotional that overwhelms. This past week I had two days I categorized as “bad.” 

The bad days usually end with me wishing I could just go back to the ER and have them drug me so I don’t have to think about anything in attempts to escape the pain and the downward thought spiral I find myself on. 

A few weeks ago, I would have told you that I was showing definite improvement. Right now, I cannot say that with confidence. There was a period of improvement, though I did have a few “it gets worse before it gets better” moments. Now, however, I feel like I am back near square one. I consistently have to leave work or events early or pretend like I am not in pain. I see my friends faces when they know I am not doing well. I get this sad, puppy dog face of pity that I have come to hate. I know they try to help me by attempting to regulate the activity as not to “over whelm” me. I know this. I know they have good intentions. And still it irritates me to no end. I don’t want their help even though sometimes I know I need it. 

I struggle with admitting to myself that this is a problem. My rational mind can identify that there are issues, but somehow I chose to ignore that certain things need to be addressed. Like somehow I think I am Wonder Woman and I can just push through anything. On one hand I am afraid this pushing will make me worse, on the other I am afraid that even if I slow down in attempts to recover that I will never get better. 

My spirit feels broken. I work to repair it, but it is just a band-aid over a gaping wound. Eventually the dam ruptures and here I am, lost in a sea of pain and suffering– struggling to keep my head above water. And I hate myself for it. I should be able to work through this but I cannot. I think part of me refuses to accept this pain as part of me, as part of my life. I want to eradicate it, a goal I am afraid I will never meet. I am afraid of the hope I am giving myself because right now I am stuck in this pain cycle that I cannot seem to break.

 

Good Luck everybody.