I cannot

I do not know how much longer I can deal with this. I have tried everything I can think of physically, mentally, and spiritually to cope with what is happening with me and my chronic pain. And I cannot. I simply cannot.

I think it is the headache that is starting to break me down. This headache that I have had for over two years. That rears its ugly head every so often to let me know it means business. This pain that will not go away no matter what I do.

I am struggling. And my suffering may just be too much to bear.

 

 

 

<Emma>

Hiatus

SO, my friends, it has been awhile.

I have been having some ups and downs lately. Not sleeping. It is effecting my mood and my overall desire to do anything. I just feel like I am drifting away. I am just floating in free space.

I get discouraged because I don’t see improvement in my condition. No one knows why I am in so much pain. I am simply treating symptoms without being able to touch the cause. My life is a series of bandaids on a wound requiring stitches.

 

Where do I go from here?

 

<Emma>

I quit

Last night I had an “I quit” moment. And I meant it. I was done. I didn’t know how I could continue on like this. Laying in bed exhausted, wanting nothing more than sleep, and not getting it because I was in too much pain. The constant struggle, the uphill battle, the overwhelming frustration.

 

I cannot be more thankful to my boyfriend for simply being there with me. Reminding me that he is here and that I am strong and he knows I will not give up.

For reminding me that I am more than my pain.

That I can do this. Although it seems unmanageable at times, I know that I have made strides in the right direction.

I refused to move backwards and I refuse to let this define me. 

 

<Emma>

“Chronic Problems”

I got a report back from the doctor with the results of a recent test I had. On the front page it listed all of my “chronic problems.” Talk about a slap in the face.

  1. Ovarian cyst
  2. Metrorrhagia
  3. Dysmenorrhea
  4. Headache syndromes
  5. Somatic dysfunction of sacroiliac region
  6. Pain disorder associated with psychological factors and general medical condition
  7. Temporomandibular joint-pain dysfunction syndrome
  8. Shoulder joint pain
  9. Upper back pain
  10. Chronic pain
  11. Neck pain
  12. Cervical spondylosis
  13. Occipital neuralgia
  14. Decreased concentrating ability
  15. Myofascial pain syndrome
  16. Numbness of hands
  17. Conditions influencing health status
  18. History of concussion
  19. Vitamin B1 deficiency
  20. Insomnia
  21. Memory lapses or loss
  22. Post-traumatic headache
  23. Postconcussion syndrome
  24. Myalgia and myositis
  25. Somatic dysfunction of cervical region
  26. Sleep disturbances
  27. Psoriasis
  28. Other physical therapy
  29. Nonallopathic lesions of the occipitocervical region
  30. Nonallopathic lesions of the rib cage
  31. Cervicalgia
  32. Hypermetropia
  33. Foot pain
  34. Plantar fasciitis
  35. Pes equinus
  36. Sinusitis

Thirty-six conditions deemed chronic by my doctors. Thirty-six. I would never have guessed a number this high. It is interesting to see it on paper. Just a list going down the entire page.

I am not sure how I really feel about it just yet. I think shock is the best way I can describe it right now.

Below I have described some of the conditions.

<Emma>

me·tror·rha·gia
irregular uterine bleeding especially between menstrual periods

dys·men·or·rhea
painful menstruation

Somatic dysfunction: impaired or altered functions of related components of the somatic (body framework) system. It can include the musculoskeletal, nervous, or lymphatic systems. Physicians use this term commonly in association with soft tissue injuries like strains and strains, but they do differ significantly. Somatic dysfunction occurs from a mechanical restriction first followed by an increase in muscle tone or spasm whereas a sprain or strain would first begin with an injury followed by a mechanical restriction. Somatic dysfunction is a functional impairment

The sacroiliac joint is in the low back where the spine meets the pelvis. Sacroiliac joint pain is discomfort in this area. This pain is a symptom that may come from a number of conditions or diseases.

The temporomandibular joint (TMJ) is the hinge joint that connects the lower jaw (mandible) to the temporal bone of the skull, which is immediately in front of the ear on each side of your head.

Cervical spondylosis is a disorder in which there is abnormal wear on the cartilage and bones of the neck

Occipital neuralgia is a neurological condition in which the occipital nerves — the nerves that run from the top of the spinal cord at the base of the neck up through the scalp — are inflamed or injured. Occipital neuralgia can be confused with a migraine, or other types of headache, because the symptoms can be similar. But occipital neuralgia is a distinct disorder that requires an accurate diagnosis to be treated properly.

Myofascial pain syndrome is a chronic pain disorder. In myofascial pain syndrome, pressure on sensitive points in your muscles (trigger points) causes pain in seemingly unrelated parts of your body

Myalgia means “muscle pain” and is a symptom of many diseases and disorders.

Myositis refers to any condition causing inflammation in muscles. Weakness, swelling, and pain are the most common myositis symptoms.

There is no exact medical definition of nonallopathic lesions. A lesion is typically defined as a sore or bruise on the skin or under its surface. The term nonallopathic is found all over the Internet, but has no dominant meaning. At best, a cloudy definition may be found, but should not be relied upon as the actual definition of nonallopathic lesions or the term nonallopathic unto itself. It does not appear in any major medical dictionaries or publications, thus the reason no exact definition can be found.
Above it the best I could find in my brief internet search….comforting, isn’t it?

Cervicalgia is neck pain that occurs toward the rear or the side of the cervical vertebrae. It generally is felt as discomfort or a sharp pain in the upper back, neck or shoulders.

Equinus is a condition in which the upward bending motion of the ankle joint is limited. Someone with equinus lacks the flexibility to bring the top of the foot toward the front of the leg.

Sinusitis is an inflammation, or swelling, of the tissue lining the sinuses.