I have been suffering

He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.


I believe all things happen for a reason. I believe all things happen for a reason. I believe all things happen for a reason.




I had a long talk with psychologist today. I think we covered some good topics. I have homework for next week.

We are going to get into some emotions. The trend we have identified seems to rest in the “guilt” column. I am supposed to think about what emotions I am having that fit in that column and we are going to discuss it at our next session. 

Honestly, I didn’t realize I was spending so much time feeling guilty. 

I have to leave work for an appointment? Guilty.

I don’t feel like doing the dishes right now? Guilty.

I am in pain and don’t feel like going out with friends? Guilty.

I don’t know how to not feel this way. I supposed that’s why psychologist and I will be working on it. 




Side Effects

I take medicine
To help ease my pain, but pain
still wins: side effects.


I have been through the trials and errors of several medications. Some with immediate, severe side effects. Others are more bearable, but I am still feeling the sting of side effects. 

They effect me in ways different from my pain but it is just something additional to pile up on top of me. It is like my pain is recruiting new members for its gang. It is a turf war and I am not sure if I can win. How long will this war of attrition last? 

I am running out of resources.




I quit

Last night I had an “I quit” moment. And I meant it. I was done. I didn’t know how I could continue on like this. Laying in bed exhausted, wanting nothing more than sleep, and not getting it because I was in too much pain. The constant struggle, the uphill battle, the overwhelming frustration.


I cannot be more thankful to my boyfriend for simply being there with me. Reminding me that he is here and that I am strong and he knows I will not give up.

For reminding me that I am more than my pain.

That I can do this. Although it seems unmanageable at times, I know that I have made strides in the right direction.

I refused to move backwards and I refuse to let this define me.