The human mind, inherently impatient, triggers emotional reactions when our ideas about how things should be collide with how things are. (Source)
Through the mind, we create a prison of suffering and then forget that we are the architect and that we ourselves hold the key that will set us free. (Source)
Because depression in patients with chronic pain frequently goes undiagnosed, it often goes untreated. Pain symptoms and complaints take center stage on most doctor visits. The result is depression — along with sleep disturbances, loss of appetite, lack of energy, and decreased physical activity, which may make pain much worse.
Some of the overlap between depression and chronic pain can be explained by biology. Depression and chronic pain share some of the same neurotransmitters — brain chemicals that act as messengers traveling between nerves. Depression and chronic pain also share some of the same nerve pathways.
Chronic pain and depression can affect a person’s entire life.
In the past 10 days I have had to see two different psychological experts to have my “condition” evaluated. Not only has this caused to me undergo undue (and very unwanted) emotional stress, but has also made me increasingly frustrated. What could these two strangers assess about me in one hour visits that the person I have been seeing for a year could not? What purpose did it serve forcing me to go to these evaluations?
Have we forgotten what the term “patient care” means? Not to mention that we are dealing with someones most intimate and most sensitive pain.
I do not know how much longer I can deal with this. I have tried everything I can think of physically, mentally, and spiritually to cope with what is happening with me and my chronic pain. And I cannot. I simply cannot.
I think it is the headache that is starting to break me down. This headache that I have had for over two years. That rears its ugly head every so often to let me know it means business. This pain that will not go away no matter what I do.
I am struggling. And my suffering may just be too much to bear.
I have been having some ups and downs lately. Not sleeping. It is effecting my mood and my overall desire to do anything. I just feel like I am drifting away. I am just floating in free space.
I get discouraged because I don’t see improvement in my condition. No one knows why I am in so much pain. I am simply treating symptoms without being able to touch the cause. My life is a series of bandaids on a wound requiring stitches.
Last night I had an “I quit” moment. And I meant it. I was done. I didn’t know how I could continue on like this. Laying in bed exhausted, wanting nothing more than sleep, and not getting it because I was in too much pain. The constant struggle, the uphill battle, the overwhelming frustration.
I cannot be more thankful to my boyfriend for simply being there with me. Reminding me that he is here and that I am strong and he knows I will not give up.
For reminding me that I am more than my pain.
That I can do this. Although it seems unmanageable at times, I know that I have made strides in the right direction.
I refused to move backwards and I refuse to let this define me.
I am sick and tired, sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. It’s generally not ideal to feel like walking death in some unbearable form or fashion. Remaining positive proves difficult when you just keep getting knocked down by the mega punch of bad health every 5 minutes. This crap is ridiculous. “Just hang in there” they say, “things will get better” they say, “you’ll catch a break soon” they say! Well excuse me for being ungrateful and impatient but I think a plethora of years is long enough to wait to feel “normal” for 24 mother f’ing hours. How am I supposed to remain positive when every small accomplishment (which I try to revel in) is met by a greater set back that crushes my spirits like a young child finding out Santa isn’t real. No one wants to be told that what they thought was good doesn’t really exist.
I am sick and tired of being too sick and too tired to keep plans and always having to be the one that cancels or changes or sucks it up for the good of the team. I am sick and tired of people saying to me “I just wish the doctors could figure out what’s wrong with you.” DOCTORS DON’T KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME and they are half the reason I feel so shitty now anyways. They throw medicine at all my symptoms hoping to make it stop when in fact they are now causing permanent new symptoms. And I’m sick and tired of everyone’s pretentious pity parties for me feeling ill and incurable and not wanting to hid it for the day. I am OVER IT, simply over it. Done, put a fork in me, I’m threw.
I'm a woman in my 40's and finally feeling that I know who I am and why I am, I would like to share the shadows from my life. Having got here fairly intact and along the way found the ability to take a step back and see things more clearly it is my hope that perhaps by blogging I may help others through their own dark places.