Progress

Partner and I got into a bit of an argument last night. I will spare you all the details and cut to the chase- my chronic pain came up. The main issue focusing on my difficulty sleeping. Partner wanted to go to a get together at a friends house and I did not want to stay out until the wee hours of the morning because I have difficulty sleeping. I still wake up by 8am no matter when I go to bed and I can’t go back to sleep.

Now, those of you with chronic pain are well aware that lack of sleep exponentially increases the intensity of all your issues.

Partner tells his friends we can’t go because I don’t want to go out.

I get upset and he doesn’t understand why. I said we could go, I just didn’t want to be out all night or have to spend the night there (I also have trouble sleeping in places other than my bed)

I further explain that I feel like he doesn’t understand me and my chronic pain issue. That the reason I cannot be up really late is because I won’t sleep and then I will feel miserable the next day. That every time something like this comes up I have to remind him that I need to regulate my sleep as much as possible. That when I bring this up he rolls his eyes and says “Emma doesn’t want to go out.” And it makes me feel horrible. It makes me feel like I am being selfish for trying to keep my pain levels at a minimum as much as I can. That it makes me feel like he is in some way being punished because of my pain. Then I feely guilty. Like I need to be more accomidating to him.

To make a long story shorter, we discussed some of these issues. Some discussions were better than others. There were times that he was dismissive of the issue I raised, telling me I am being too sensitive. Which I hate. I hate being told “stop being so sensitive.” But we did get it all on the table. It was a little awful while it was happening, but I think it was a good thing.

I think we are stronger today because of it. It was good for me to be able to voice my feelings and concerns. And I think he needed to hear them. I think he is now trying a little harder to understand. And that is all I want. I want him to understand. I want him to consider how I am doing.

All in all, I think I making some good steps towards moving forward. I am meeting with Psychologist tomorrow. I finished the conclusion of my therapy book. I also want to talk to her about biofeedback and my deeper depression I have been dealing with lately.

But I am finally feeling like things could get better. Someday.

 

<Emma>

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