I spoke about physical, medical and emotional pain in the first blog. It is the physical that builds and the emotional that overwhelms. This past week I had two days I categorized as “bad.”
The bad days usually end with me wishing I could just go back to the ER and have them drug me so I don’t have to think about anything in attempts to escape the pain and the downward thought spiral I find myself on.
A few weeks ago, I would have told you that I was showing definite improvement. Right now, I cannot say that with confidence. There was a period of improvement, though I did have a few “it gets worse before it gets better” moments. Now, however, I feel like I am back near square one. I consistently have to leave work or events early or pretend like I am not in pain. I see my friends faces when they know I am not doing well. I get this sad, puppy dog face of pity that I have come to hate. I know they try to help me by attempting to regulate the activity as not to “over whelm” me. I know this. I know they have good intentions. And still it irritates me to no end. I don’t want their help even though sometimes I know I need it.
I struggle with admitting to myself that this is a problem. My rational mind can identify that there are issues, but somehow I chose to ignore that certain things need to be addressed. Like somehow I think I am Wonder Woman and I can just push through anything. On one hand I am afraid this pushing will make me worse, on the other I am afraid that even if I slow down in attempts to recover that I will never get better.
My spirit feels broken. I work to repair it, but it is just a band-aid over a gaping wound. Eventually the dam ruptures and here I am, lost in a sea of pain and suffering– struggling to keep my head above water. And I hate myself for it. I should be able to work through this but I cannot. I think part of me refuses to accept this pain as part of me, as part of my life. I want to eradicate it, a goal I am afraid I will never meet. I am afraid of the hope I am giving myself because right now I am stuck in this pain cycle that I cannot seem to break.
Good Luck everybody.